Let’s take a trip back in time. October 2015.
I broke up with my girlfriend that I had been with for the past one and a half years.
I did it because there wasn’t a spark. There wasn’t anything that was interesting to talk about. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t really sad either. I just wanted out, I guess.
A month later, I guess you could say that I’m feeling sad. I tried to download Tinder, found a girl I connected with pretty well, but it didn’t work out. I kept having thoughts about some girls back home, even some girls here.
Feelings? Regret, sadness, lack-of-motivation. I wouldn’t classify it as depression. I still want to do things and there are things that make me forget about everything for a while.
This empty feeling in my chest is all too familiar. It was there when my first girlfriend broke up with me and it’s recurred ever since.
Whenever I felt this way, I would always turn to video games. The controller was the only thing keeping me going at one point. I just needed to be comforted. I was never good at asking anyone for help, so the controller did just that.
To fall in love, you risk your sanity to feel better.
The zombie feeling comes back and you’re left in ruin yet again.
Being happy is never a given. Being happy is a gift, a joyous experience.
I guess what I’m saying is
All I want to be is happy.
-Austin Lee 11/24/2015 5:56 PM MST
Chaos Rearranged 